Tag: Advice

Topic: Should parents give their older children advice?

Cindy Thinks

Ally Thinks

I believe the best rule of thumb for this is…“Give advice only when asked!”

Which holds true for anyone, but ESPECIALLY your older kids.

And by older, I mean any kid that’s on their own in terms of living out of the house, or pretty much setting their own priorities for life.  I don’t mean waiting until the kids are totally financially independent.  Their need for parental advice (especially in their minds) has nothing to do with financial independence.  It has to do with them learning how to depend on themselves to make decisions.

And I’ve always tried to encourage my kids to be independent.  I want them to have all kinds of independence, (financial, emotional, mental) but of course, I also want them to know that I’m there for them…if they need me, or if they want my opinion.

I figure, they’ll ask me if they want to know what I think.

Which doesn’t mean that we don’t talk about what they’re doing, or how they plan to do it…it just means that I try to keep my mouth shut when it comes to telling them what to do, or how to do it.

For me, it’s about participating in a conversation with my kids, without owning it.

It’s about listening and asking questions, without trying to fix it. (OH so much harder than it sounds.)

It’s about waiting for those wonderful few words…”so what do you think mom?” before feeling compelled to tell them what I think…before they ask.

It’s a fine line for many of us parents.

We want to parent (as in the verb – to parent, which for many implies actively telling your kids what to do!).

AND…we want to help.  Because we think we always know what’s best for them.

But we don’t.

(OY.)

And, I’m sure I’ve failed miserably…many a time.

I can only imagine how often Ally and AJ have regretted bringing up a topic because I blurted out some unsolicited piece of advice or direction, and they’ve felt like running out of the house screaming “Mom…Stop talking…I DIDN’T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!”

But they’re really nice to me, so if they’ve ever felt that way, they’ve never actually done it.

(Whew!)

For the last couple of years I think I’ve gotten a lot better at waiting.  And I think it’s because I’ve learned that one of the most amazing feelings in the world is when one of my kids does ask for my advice.

IT FEELS INCREDIBLE!

It’s total validation.

It’s like they’re saying “I trust your opinion” mom, or “I’d really like to know what you think” mom.

And when it happens, it warms every ounce of my being.

So even though it doesn’t happen all that often (which I take to mean that they’re working through stuff on their own – and becoming more and more independent!)…

It’s really cool when they want to know what I think.

Being an “older child” here, I guess I would say only if it’s been asked for.  There are times when I want my parent’s advice, times when I don’t want it, and times when they give it and I just ignore it.

My parents are respectful and don’t really give unsolicited advice.  They’re always there for me when I need them, but they stay out of my business otherwise.

And I think it works out pretty well.

I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent, but I can imagine that it’s not easy to keep your mouth shut all of the time.  Hell, I’ve experienced this when I see friends make stupid decisions.  Sometimes you just want (or need) to tell someone how to live, because they’re doing it wrong.  So I have respect for my mom and dad, because I’m sure there have been times that they wished they could have said something, but didn’t.

(Or maybe not.  I’m pretty perfect…)

And I understand that fine line that parents have to balance on.  You don’t want to overstep any boundaries, and want your kid to make their own decisions and mistakes, but you also don’t want them to totally screw up and end up causing some real damage.  And that line gets blurrier and blurrier as kids get older.

Trust me, I don’t envy that responsibility and don’t look forward to it in the (distant) future.

(In fact, I fully intend to just send my kid to Grandma’s house when I get in a sticky situation.)

(I think it’s an excellent plan.)

Personally, I’m pretty self-sufficient, and I have been for awhile.  It helps that I have a partner in crime, and my life is usually pretty monotonous.

(Most days, my biggest decision is whether or not to take a shower.)

I go to my parents for the BIG DECISIONS.  The ones like whether or not I should take a certain job, whether or not I should go to graduate school, or whether or not buying two puppies at the same time is a stupid decision.

(They both gave me the same advice about grad school, but held wildly different opinions about the other two.)

I trust their instincts, respect their opinions, and also know that they won’t disown me if I ignore them and do what I want in the end.

(Dad still loves me even though I totally got two puppies in one day.)

And I’m extremely thankful for that.

PS: The giant exception here would be if I were in serious danger.  If I start doing heroin and then selling my body to support my habit?  Mom and Dad – that’s a time for some unsolicited advice.

I have to admit…I take the whole gift giving thing pretty seriously.

In my world, gift giving is much more of an art than a science, and I’ve learned to appreciate the finer art of gift giving for a significant other.

It starts with listening.  Listening to your loved one about what THEY like, what THEY appreciate, or what THEY would never get for themselves…but would love to get.

It’s supposed to be about THEM.  Not US.

But the truth is…it’s downright tough to think about them and figure out what they’d like!

And I know this from experience.   I wasn’t always good at this stuff.

I mean, no guy should have to get a sweater with leather patches on the shoulders and elbows each year for Xmas (sorry Brian).  But then again… no woman should ever have to get a hot-air popcorn popper for her birthday (again…sorry Brian).

But I’ve learned (and so has Brian).

And I think now I’ve gotten pretty good at gift giving, especially for my significant other (lucky Matthew).

Cause I think I’ve figured out the rules.

Finally!

I mean, you’d think someone would have told us all the rules by now!!!!

So…in an act of community service during this 2010 Holiday season, I offer you…

The Rules of Gift Giving for A Significant Other

by Cindy Carrillo

Part 1: Rules for Giving Gifts to a Woman (Significant Other)

Rule #1…NEVER give a woman who is your spouse or significant other an appliance Of ANY KIND for a special occasion or holiday.  I don’t care if the toaster/washing machine/vacuum cleaner just broke and she ASKED for a new one.  Get it next Tuesday…but NOT for a holiday or special occasion.

Rule #2…If it has some utilitarian function…don’t get it.  She can (and probably will) get it for herself.  However, giving gifts of “experiences” (things SHE likes to do!) are like gold to a woman (‘cause then she doesn’t have to make all of the plans herself!!!!).

Rule #3…DON’T listen when she says she has everything and doesn’t want anything.  But DO listen to what she talks about and shows interest in, and DO pay attention to what she pauses to look at in the store.  Exception:  collections are fun and all…but don’t take the easy way out and get her another cow or turtle or coffee mug (that’s what your other family and friends already get her!).

Rule #4…If it would make her feel pretty or special or pretty AND special…get it.  It’s worth every penny!

Rule #5…It doesn’t matter if she already has 17 pairs of earrings, 12 necklaces, 15 bracelets and 6 rings.  The new one you get her this time…will end up being her new favorite.

Part 2: Rules for Giving Gifts to a Man (Significant Other)

The rules for Men (I think) are somewhat different…but still…follow the same basic premises as above:

Rule #1…Never give a man an appliance as a gift…as if a woman would ever get a guy a washing machine for his birthday!  Exception:  Power Tools (unless of course he’s Jewish…in which case you want to give him a gift certificate for a handyman).

Rule #2…If it has utilitarian function…GET IT.  Again…that whole power tool (or electronic) thing.  Not sure why, but men seem to like stuff that actually does something useful.

Rule #3…I have yet to hear a guy be coy about what he wants, because men don’t play games like women do.  So if he tells you what he wants, get it.  He doesn’t need the surprise or for you to figure it out for yourself (like women do).

Rule #4…If he’s into lookin’ good…it’s worth every penny to help him feel that way with a great addition to his wardrobe.  But if he doesn’t care how he looks…don’t get him clothes…or you’ll risk being thought of as his mother (which we all know is the kiss of death to a relationship!).

Rule #5…Unless he collects cufflinks or ties or sports team paraphernalia (or whatever!) …don’t get him stuff he already has.  “Choice” just doesn’t mean the same to him.  Think “the latest electronic” or gadget or game.  He’d rather turn something on and play it, than wear it!

There you have it!

I hope you’ll follow these rules and have years of happy and fruitful gift giving between you and your significant other (and never receive a popcorn popper or leather patched sweater ever again!).

I’m speaking (mostly) from a girl’s perspective here.

(Obviously.)

Appropriate:
Something she wants, that she didn’t even realize she wanted.
Inappropriate:
Something you want, whether or not she realizes she wants it.

Appropriate:
Something she would never get for herself because it’s too extravagant.
Inappropriate:
Something she would never get for herself because WHO WOULD WANT THAT?

Appropriate:
Something she’ll use.
Inappropriate:
Something she needs.

Appropriate:
Something she wants that she explicitly asked for.
Inappropriate:
That mattress pad that she explicitly asked for.

Appropriate:
A book by her favorite author.
Inappropriate:
A self-help book about how to stop being a control freak, even if it’s by her favorite author.

Appropriate:
A gift certificate for a full day at the spa.
Inappropriate:
A gift certificate for a full body waxing… even at a spa.

Appropriate:
A cookbook.
Inappropriate:
A diet cookbook.

Appropriate:
Lingerie
Inappropriate:
Lingerie two sizes too large (or too small).

Appropriate:
Something for the house.
Inappropriate:
Something to clean the house.

Appropriate:
A DVD of a movie that you both loved.
Inappropriate:
A DVD of a movie that you loved but she fell asleep or covered her eyes through.

Appropriate:
Some nice lotion.
Inappropriate:
Nice lotion that has “anti-aging” or “clears acne in one week” on the bottle.

Appropriate:
A sweater.
Inappropriate:
A sweater your mom picked out.

Appropriate:
Candles in her favorite scent.
Inappropriate:
Scented candles for the bathroom.

Appropriate:
Diamonds.
Inappropriate:
Fake diamonds that you pretend are real.

Appropriate:
A new car.
Inappropriate:
A muffler to make her old car sound “manly”.  (Mike asks me every year if I want one… Every.  Single.  Year.)

Appropriate:
A gift certificate for a massage.
Inappropriate:
A homemade coupon for a hug.  (Unless it accompanies diamonds or a new car.)

You get the idea.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule.

Maybe she really wants a muffler!

But, you know, better safe than (really) sorry.


I’m not sure why this particular question (or any variation on the theme) seems to absolutely baffle most men…but it does, so I really appreciate receiving this topic from a man!

My typical question has always been, “Honey…do I look fat in this outfit?”  And I swear nothing has consistently sent my man into a complete panic quicker than those eight little words.

And I’ve really never understood why.

For years when I was married, I would ask the question and Brian (my ex) would visibly cringe and then daggers would seemingly fly from his eyeballs and he would mumble some kind of incomprehensible huff and walk away as if he considered the matter closed.  And I was left wondering if that meant I did or did not look fat in the outfit?  (Note: Never a good start to an evening out.)

These days, Matthew (my boyfriend) says that I’m simply not allowed to ask those types of questions.  He considers them to be:

“Loaded questions with absolutely no possible right answer in sight”, or

“Land mines waiting to blow up in his face”, or

“Evil, hateful attempts to send men into the fiery depths of hell.”

I think most men feel the same way.

But I disagree.

And so I’m grateful for the opportunity to give men the secret to providing the right answer…

WE DON’T REALLY WANT THE TRUTH.

We want reassurance.  We want to know that we look beautiful to you.  That no matter what we put on our bodies…you LOVE OUR ASSES in it!

The truth is that by the time I come to my man with any of these questions…I’ve pretty much made up my mind about what I’m going to wear and I’m just looking for a compliment when one isn’t forthcoming.

There.  I said it.  I’m fishing for compliments.

So for me, the correct answer to the question “Does my ass look fat in these jeans” is quite simply… ”HELL NO honey! Your ass is what makes those jeans look great!”

Oh and guys…none of that mumbling the words without looking at me bullshit.  I want you to turn around, look at me in those jeans, and say those words with absolute conviction.

Do it and I’ll be one happy puppy.

Now…there are times when I really do want my man’s opinion on an outfit.  Not a shallow compliment (see?  I’m admitting that I know that’s what I’m fishing for above), but his actual opinion on what looks good and what does not.  Take last week for example.  I tried on a dress I was going to wear for a family Bar Mitzvah in Miami over the weekend, and I really couldn’t make up my mind on the shoe/necklace/earring combination.  So I called Matthew upstairs and asked his opinion.

Wisely…he asked “Are you really asking my opinion or do you just want me to tell you how good you look?”  (Obviously the man is starting to know me).

“No honey, I’m giving you choices and I REALLY WANT YOUR OPINION.  I have this sexy black dress with a hot pink liner that peaks out as I walk or spin…so I want the whole look to be perfect!”

Cautiously he agreed to help.

So we started with the shoes…of which I was wearing two different styles on each foot.  I did the classic lift one shoe up at a time to showcase two very different black evening shoes and without hesitation he picked the one on the left (a lovely black satin shoe with crystal ankle straps).   Thank you very much Matthew.  That was perfect!

Then we moved onto the jewelry.  First, I tried on a large pink crystal necklace & a pair of delicate diamond-like earrings and he hesitated and asked if there were any other options.  He said it seemed unbalanced.  OK…we instantly stepped onto shaky ground as this was my first choice, but I was willing to work with him to get it “balanced.”  So I tried on option #2, a delicate diamond-like ball on a simple white gold-like chain with delicate (i.e. small) diamond-like earrings.   This time he thought it wasn’t enough.  In fact, he thought the delicate combination was a bit “too old” looking (quickly adding that I didn’t look old…but the jewelry made me look older – SMART man).

Clearly that wasn’t going to work, so we kept at it.  HE then suggested putting the large pink crystal necklace back on, but with a pair of larger dangling diamond-like earrings and WHALA!  It was perfect.

And I knew it was perfect because he stepped back and a huge smile came across his face and he said those magic words…”Babe, you look beautiful.”  And I knew he meant it.

But if I had pulled the whole thing off on my own, and uttered the question “Honey, does this dress make me look fat?”  I hope that he would turn and look at me, and without hesitation say “Babe, you look beautiful.”

And I think now he always will.

I think I’m pretty logical when it comes to this question.  I‘ve been known to ask it, or a variation of it, from time to time a lot.

The truth is that if I’m asking the question in the first place, I already know my ass looks too big or my dress is too tight or I’m wearing something that just doesn’t look good.

I’m actually OK with Mike telling me the truth.  Really, I am.

(Notice that I say “Mike”.  The situation that I’m referring to is when your loved one or someone you’re close to asks this question, not someone you don’t have a good or close relationship with.  If someone asks and they’re not a loved one who you have a good relationship with?  Lie.  It’s not worth the hurt/drama/crap.  And let’s face it: odds are that they’re fishing for a compliment anyway.  And if you’re the asshole who asks these questions of your friends/acquaintances/strangers (you know who you are), cut it out.  Please, stop making others feel uncomfortable with your “do I look fat?” or “how old do you think I am?” questions.)

(Ahem…)

I’d rather Mike tell me before I walk out of the house looking less than awesome.  If I ask it, I’m already thinking I should change, and his answer will usually just sway me one way or the other.

(Or his answer is irrelevant and I’ll do what I want anyway.)

Granted, if Mike ever looked at me and made a gagging sound or some horrid comment, I’d probably punch him in the throat.

Hell, even if he said a simple “yes” in response to the above question, I’d probably kick him in the knees…or at least cry a bit.

Thankfully for both of us, he’s very polite and tactful (and I’m not really that physically violent).

I say that the key here is to stay polite.  Go ahead and tell them the truth… nicely.

I’m a big fan of “that’s not the most flattering thing you could wear”.

Or “it looks nice, but not great”. 

Honestly, I appreciate that…

If I ask for his opinion.

Let me say that again, this time in all caps: IF I ASK FOR HIS OPINION.

If Mike just looked at me and said something negative about my outfit without my asking for his input… I’d probably cry.

This especially goes for people other than Mike.  If a girlfriend were to walk up to me and tell me my ass looked too big, without my asking her opinion, I’d have a problem with that.

If someone walked up to me on the street and said I didn’t look good – even if they said it politely and then gave me a few bucks and also handed me a brand new puppy – throat punching would be imminent.

So, only say something if you were asked your opinion.  Otherwise, keep quiet.

NOTE: be careful about the context.  If you’re loved one asks this question in reference to something that he or she has no choice but to wear (for example a bridesmaid dress or a work uniform), say they look awesome.  Say they look amazing.  Say they took your breath away. There’s nothing they can do about the situation, so don’t do anything to make it worse.

It’s also important to say that I never ask this question unless I truly want the answer. 

(No, really.)

If I ask it, I accept the response.  And I’m very clear about my intentions when I ask.

Before we left for Miami last week, I tried on the dress I was planning to wear and asked Mike for his honest opinion.  Mike looked at me, smiled, and said I looked great, BUT the dress didn’t look perfect.  He said that the fabric fell wrong in one place, but other than that I looked good.  I was already a little iffy about my dress, and let’s face, “good” wasn’t gonna cut it, so I changed into a different dress.  This time, he said I looked amazing.  He told me I looked fabulous.  He said he wouldn’t change a thing.

Without his honesty, I would have never tried on another dress, or felt nearly as confident.

I don’t ask these questions because I’m fishing for compliments, or looking for an ego boost.  When I was discussing this question with another woman (not my mother), she said she didn’t believe me.  She said that all women ask men these questions as a test or as a reason to hear how amazing they look. 

But I honestly don’t. Why?  Because the odds of that little test backfiring and resulting in a huge, horrible, messy argument just isn’t worth it to me.  In the beginning of our relationship I probably did play that game, but now?  I’ve learned my lesson.

If I want a compliment, I ask Mike how I look.  It’s simple, it’s to the point, and he always tells me I’m beautiful.

And a lot of times?  I don’t have to ask.

(I feel the need to point out that you have to figure out what your significant other is really saying when he or she asks these questions.  In discussing this topic with many women over the past week, it seems that my thoughts aren’t shared by many other ladies.  Maybe take another woman’s (<——-) advice?  At least to start with?  Because I’m not going to be responsible if you go tell your girlfriend/wife/friend-with-benefits that her ass totally looks huge and then scream “BUT ALLY THINKS I SHOULD BE HONEST!!!” while she’s beating you with her hair dryer.)