Tag: Zombies

Topic: How will you survive the Zombie Apocalypse?

Cindy Thinks

Ally Thinks

Screw zombies, it doesn’t matter what kind of apocalypse we’re in for, because I’m ready.  I have a fully stocked pantry with hundreds of canned goods, tons of extra water, enough toilet paper to last at least 6 months and a lifetime supply of chocolate, ‘cause really, who wants to stick around without toilet paper or chocolate?

No…I’m not a doomsday kinda gal, it’s just that I like to be prepared.

And I’m not the only one thinking about this stuff.  As I’m sure you’re aware, we’re only a couple of years away from the famed end of the Mayan calendar (December, 2012), which many believe marks the end of civilization as we know it.  I never thought about it much, but then I watched a multi-part special last year on the History Channel and it got me thinking about the possibilities of life ending on earth.

I mean…I really don’t believe it will all end on 12/21/2012, but after watching that show, I did find myself having an irresistible urge to run out to the store to buy a case of canned soup.

Honestly though, I don’t think the Mayans knew something we don’t know.  I think they just figured they had created a big enough template for us to follow…and we would be able to take it from here.  Or they just ran out of stone.

But nonetheless…it makes you wonder.

I mean…what will you be doing as we get closer to December, 2012?  Will you be worried?  Will you be stocking up on canned goods?  Water?  Toilet Paper? Chocolate?

Well I know I’ll be ready…and I’ll be doing it in style!

I recently bought some property down in Ridgway Colorado (just outside of Telluride, CO) which I must say, is one of the most beautiful places on earth.  The mountains, the valley, the people…are all amazing.

And…I just started building on it so that I can live there part of the year, and play host to my family and friends…’cause it’s a place ya just gotta share.

So I figure I’ll share it with a few dozen carefully chosen people for the end of the Mayan Calendar (and potentially…the end of civilization as we know it).

But we’re not gonna sit around waiting for the end.   WE’RE GONNA PARTY!!


Because it ALSO just happens to be my “triple 12 birthday” (12-12-12)…and I figure that calls for one big 12 day party!!!

And if it does all end, then we go happily, and probably…really really drunk.  With plenty of canned goods, water, toilet paper and chocolate in the pantry.

Unfortunately though, I’ll have to limit how many people can come to my party (because I just don’t have enough canned soup to feed everyone).

So I came up with a process for selecting who will be part of the chosen few…with some ground rules (’cause you always need ground rules):

1.    Applications for the now infamous 12-12-12 bash will be accepted beginning 6-12-12.

2.    A written test including just a few select multiple choice questions and an essay explaining why you should be part of the chosen few (no more than 500 words please) will be included as part of the application process.

3.    Bribes will be accepted (along with donations of canned soup).

God I hope civilization doesn’t end before then…it would really screw up my plans.

I think it’s awesome how we all assume that when the zombie apocalypse happens we’ll be fighting the zombies, and not become one ourselves.  Statistically, most of us will have to be the actual yucky, undead daemons for it to be considered an apocalypse (at least I assume so), so odds are that if you’re reading this, you’ll be craving brains at some point.

(Sorry.)

Personally, I think I’ll be made into a zombie fairly early on.  I don’t like confrontation and I’m not in shape at all, so I’d be easy to catch.  I accept that my chances of surviving for very long are pretty slim.

(What?  I’m being realistic.)

So I think I would just give myself up to the brain eating devils as quickly and as painlessly as possible.  Maybe I’ll get really intoxicated and just go to sleep on the front lawn and hope the zombies do a quick job at transforming me…

Because really?  I don’t think that I want to spend my days hiding in my house and chasing zombies off of my front lawn with a knife or gun.

Besides, I’m not allowed to wield weapons.

(Mike believes that I’ll injure myself every time I cut a tomato for dinner, so I’m going to assume that using a machete to cut off the head of a zombie won’t be allowed…)

(Just so you all know, I’m open to suggestions for weapon alternatives.  We’re all going to be in this together, people, so it’s no time to keep your tactics a secret.)

Now, if I could get to a place without zombies (preferably some sort of fort or underground lair designed by my mother), I would probably invest in some serious weapon training.  Maybe I wouldn’t be able to hire a personal trainer or my own Sensei (because the strongest of our kind will all be fighting to save the world… or they’ll be dead… or undead?…), but I assume the Internet will have a plethora of helpful blogs and videos by that point.

(Oh wait.  There’s already plenty of information out there.  Of course.)

The way I see it: geeks love zombies, and geeks get shit done on the Internet, so I guarantee there will be a Wiki up in no time.

(OH MY GOD.  That also already exists. We all have no excuse if we’re unprepared.)

Hell, maybe I’ll get in shape…

(Except probably not.  It’s going to take a lot more than a violent apocalypse to get me to start running on a regular basis.)

What I’d really need is a kick-ass outfit.

(Priorities, people.)

I’m thinking something flattering, functional, comfortable, and easy to clean (because killing zombies is a super messy business).  BUT, even if I were one of the BEST zombie killers EVER (and let’s face it, with the right training… actually, I’ll most likely still be useless regardless of my training…), I probably wouldn’t actively seek out zombies.  I’d leave the mass destruction of them up to the government or ninjas or Woody Harrelson.

Instead, I’d hide myself away with a good book and lots of cupcakes.

(If the world is ending, dieting will NOT be my priority.)

(Note to self: make kick-ass outfit baggy and in slimming colors.)

Actually, I think that I would just be happy deferring all survival responsibilities to someone else.

(Hi Mom!)

PS: I’m inviting The Bloggess to Ridgway, because she’s our only hope.  Well, her and Mr. Harrelson…