A mother. A daughter. A topic.
Topic: Is there a correct answer to the question: “Does my ass look too big for these jeans?”
{ Topic submitted by David U. }
Cindy Thinks
Ally Thinks
I’m not sure why this particular question (or any variation on the theme) seems to absolutely baffle most men…but it does, so I really appreciate receiving this topic from a man!
My typical question has always been, “Honey…do I look fat in this outfit?” And I swear nothing has consistently sent my man into a complete panic quicker than those eight little words.
And I’ve really never understood why.
For years when I was married, I would ask the question and Brian (my ex) would visibly cringe and then daggers would seemingly fly from his eyeballs and he would mumble some kind of incomprehensible huff and walk away as if he considered the matter closed. And I was left wondering if that meant I did or did not look fat in the outfit? (Note: Never a good start to an evening out.)
These days, Matthew (my boyfriend) says that I’m simply not allowed to ask those types of questions. He considers them to be:
“Loaded questions with absolutely no possible right answer in sight”, or
“Land mines waiting to blow up in his face”, or
“Evil, hateful attempts to send men into the fiery depths of hell.”
I think most men feel the same way.
But I disagree.
And so I’m grateful for the opportunity to give men the secret to providing the right answer…
WE DON’T REALLY WANT THE TRUTH.
We want reassurance. We want to know that we look beautiful to you. That no matter what we put on our bodies…you LOVE OUR ASSES in it!
The truth is that by the time I come to my man with any of these questions…I’ve pretty much made up my mind about what I’m going to wear and I’m just looking for a compliment when one isn’t forthcoming.
There. I said it. I’m fishing for compliments.
So for me, the correct answer to the question “Does my ass look fat in these jeans” is quite simply… ”HELL NO honey! Your ass is what makes those jeans look great!”
Oh and guys…none of that mumbling the words without looking at me bullshit. I want you to turn around, look at me in those jeans, and say those words with absolute conviction.
Do it and I’ll be one happy puppy.
Now…there are times when I really do want my man’s opinion on an outfit. Not a shallow compliment (see? I’m admitting that I know that’s what I’m fishing for above), but his actual opinion on what looks good and what does not. Take last week for example. I tried on a dress I was going to wear for a family Bar Mitzvah in Miami over the weekend, and I really couldn’t make up my mind on the shoe/necklace/earring combination. So I called Matthew upstairs and asked his opinion.
Wisely…he asked “Are you really asking my opinion or do you just want me to tell you how good you look?” (Obviously the man is starting to know me).
“No honey, I’m giving you choices and I REALLY WANT YOUR OPINION. I have this sexy black dress with a hot pink liner that peaks out as I walk or spin…so I want the whole look to be perfect!”
Cautiously he agreed to help.
So we started with the shoes…of which I was wearing two different styles on each foot. I did the classic lift one shoe up at a time to showcase two very different black evening shoes and without hesitation he picked the one on the left (a lovely black satin shoe with crystal ankle straps). Thank you very much Matthew. That was perfect!
Then we moved onto the jewelry. First, I tried on a large pink crystal necklace & a pair of delicate diamond-like earrings and he hesitated and asked if there were any other options. He said it seemed unbalanced. OK…we instantly stepped onto shaky ground as this was my first choice, but I was willing to work with him to get it “balanced.” So I tried on option #2, a delicate diamond-like ball on a simple white gold-like chain with delicate (i.e. small) diamond-like earrings. This time he thought it wasn’t enough. In fact, he thought the delicate combination was a bit “too old” looking (quickly adding that I didn’t look old…but the jewelry made me look older – SMART man).
Clearly that wasn’t going to work, so we kept at it. HE then suggested putting the large pink crystal necklace back on, but with a pair of larger dangling diamond-like earrings and WHALA! It was perfect.
And I knew it was perfect because he stepped back and a huge smile came across his face and he said those magic words…”Babe, you look beautiful.” And I knew he meant it.
But if I had pulled the whole thing off on my own, and uttered the question “Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” I hope that he would turn and look at me, and without hesitation say “Babe, you look beautiful.”
And I think now he always will.
I think I’m pretty logical when it comes to this question. I‘ve been known to ask it, or a variation of it, from time to time a lot.
The truth is that if I’m asking the question in the first place, I already know my ass looks too big or my dress is too tight or I’m wearing something that just doesn’t look good.
I’m actually OK with Mike telling me the truth. Really, I am.
(Notice that I say “Mike”. The situation that I’m referring to is when your loved one or someone you’re close to asks this question, not someone you don’t have a good or close relationship with. If someone asks and they’re not a loved one who you have a good relationship with? Lie. It’s not worth the hurt/drama/crap. And let’s face it: odds are that they’re fishing for a compliment anyway. And if you’re the asshole who asks these questions of your friends/acquaintances/strangers (you know who you are), cut it out. Please, stop making others feel uncomfortable with your “do I look fat?” or “how old do you think I am?” questions.)
(Ahem…)
I’d rather Mike tell me before I walk out of the house looking less than awesome. If I ask it, I’m already thinking I should change, and his answer will usually just sway me one way or the other.
(Or his answer is irrelevant and I’ll do what I want anyway.)
Granted, if Mike ever looked at me and made a gagging sound or some horrid comment, I’d probably punch him in the throat.
Hell, even if he said a simple “yes” in response to the above question, I’d probably kick him in the knees…or at least cry a bit.
Thankfully for both of us, he’s very polite and tactful (and I’m not really that physically violent).
I say that the key here is to stay polite. Go ahead and tell them the truth… nicely.
I’m a big fan of “that’s not the most flattering thing you could wear”.
Or “it looks nice, but not great”.
Honestly, I appreciate that…
If I ask for his opinion.
Let me say that again, this time in all caps: IF I ASK FOR HIS OPINION.
If Mike just looked at me and said something negative about my outfit without my asking for his input… I’d probably cry.
This especially goes for people other than Mike. If a girlfriend were to walk up to me and tell me my ass looked too big, without my asking her opinion, I’d have a problem with that.
If someone walked up to me on the street and said I didn’t look good – even if they said it politely and then gave me a few bucks and also handed me a brand new puppy – throat punching would be imminent.
So, only say something if you were asked your opinion. Otherwise, keep quiet.
NOTE: be careful about the context. If you’re loved one asks this question in reference to something that he or she has no choice but to wear (for example a bridesmaid dress or a work uniform), say they look awesome. Say they look amazing. Say they took your breath away. There’s nothing they can do about the situation, so don’t do anything to make it worse.
It’s also important to say that I never ask this question unless I truly want the answer.
(No, really.)
If I ask it, I accept the response. And I’m very clear about my intentions when I ask.
Before we left for Miami last week, I tried on the dress I was planning to wear and asked Mike for his honest opinion. Mike looked at me, smiled, and said I looked great, BUT the dress didn’t look perfect. He said that the fabric fell wrong in one place, but other than that I looked good. I was already a little iffy about my dress, and let’s face, “good” wasn’t gonna cut it, so I changed into a different dress. This time, he said I looked amazing. He told me I looked fabulous. He said he wouldn’t change a thing.
Without his honesty, I would have never tried on another dress, or felt nearly as confident.
I don’t ask these questions because I’m fishing for compliments, or looking for an ego boost. When I was discussing this question with another woman (not my mother), she said she didn’t believe me. She said that all women ask men these questions as a test or as a reason to hear how amazing they look.
But I honestly don’t. Why? Because the odds of that little test backfiring and resulting in a huge, horrible, messy argument just isn’t worth it to me. In the beginning of our relationship I probably did play that game, but now? I’ve learned my lesson.
If I want a compliment, I ask Mike how I look. It’s simple, it’s to the point, and he always tells me I’m beautiful.
And a lot of times? I don’t have to ask.
(I feel the need to point out that you have to figure out what your significant other is really saying when he or she asks these questions. In discussing this topic with many women over the past week, it seems that my thoughts aren’t shared by many other ladies. Maybe take another woman’s (<——-) advice? At least to start with? Because I’m not going to be responsible if you go tell your girlfriend/wife/friend-with-benefits that her ass totally looks huge and then scream “BUT ALLY THINKS I SHOULD BE HONEST!!!” while she’s beating you with her hair dryer.)
I’m all for them…within some seriously defined boundaries of moderation.
I have my ears pierced, in two places (close together in the “normal” part of the pierce-able bottom ear lobe…none of that top ear lobe cartilage stuff). Honestly, I’m not sure why I ever got the second holes put in. Most days, I only think to put one set of earrings in my lobes, but I think I like the option of putting two sets in at one time…especially when I have the time and/or energy to search through my mini earring supply and find a set that would look smashing with another fabulous pair on hand.
I also had a belly button ring for a while. I did it with Ally when she turned 16. She asked if I would go with her, and as any mother of a teenager will tell you…if your 16-year-old kid actually WANTS to do something with you, even if it means poking a long sharp needle into your inny or outty…you DO IT!
I remember the two of us leaving the piercing “salon” and walking down the street feeling all cool…while holding the top of our pants down below our hips so that the waistbands wouldn’t rub against the newly stabbed portions of our belly buttons. Unfortunately, after the initial “I’m such a cool mom” phase wore off, and the healing process ended (which took an abnormally long time for me – being that it was an older belly button), I realized that the whole belly button ring thing was an absolute bitch to maintain.
I would spend an inordinate amount of time during my daily grooming focused on my naval. Honestly, it had never really been that big a part of my cleaning routine before, but it definitely took a whole lot of time to clean it and would take even longer for me to change the jewelry in it! I swear it took HOURS to wrangle that ring, or little jeweled barbell in and out through the two little holes in the upper lid of my naval. And, after all that work, nobody could see how cool it made me, or how well it went with my outfit, because it was…HIDDEN!
Seriously…what was the point!?!
So I took it out and never looked back, or at my belly button for that matter!
Even though I would consider myself pretty open minded to most things centered around personal adornment, I have to admit that I’m not crazy about piercings on lips, eye brows, noses, nipples or pretty much any other body part that sport a ring or dangling piece of jewelry. Those cute little dots of jewels that women wear in the soft fold of their noses? I think those are OK. But when they hang a ring through their nostrils, or through their eyebrows, or God forbid in their lips or tongues…I want to pull on them. I want to flick them. I want to yank them out.
When it really comes down to it, though, I think it’s less about the piercings per se and ALL about the Jewelry. Simply put, piercings provide an opportunity to wear body jewelry. And I take the coordination of jewelry, any kind of jewelry…really seriously.
I have visions of a future where I’m in an old-folks home and all of my peers are covered in silver studs and tattoos. I figure it’ll make bingo more exciting.
I think some people get piercings as a form of self-expression. Others get them because they think it looks good. I also know people who do it because they like the pain (I’m not here to judge). Me, the only body piercing I have I got because my mom made me.
My mom wanted her belly button pierced. I was almost 16, so she told me we should get them together. Even though every girl I knew was practically begging their moms to let them do it, my mom had to convince me. For whatever reason I didn’t have any desire to have a gigantic needle shoved through my stomach. But I did it, and I still have it, though it hasn’t seen the light of day since I was a size 2. (It’s been awhile.)
When I got my bellybutton pierced I was trying (unsuccessfully) to be friends with my ex-boyfriend. He was 100% against it because he thought if I got my bellybutton pierced (even if it was my mom’s idea) it would lead me on a path to sex with strangers and heroin benders. (Did I mention he was a strict Mormon?) I figured if I was going to hell, a bedazzled belly button was the least of my worries.
Other than that, I have 3 holes in each ear lobe, but rarely wear anything but simple silver balls in them. I used to have two holes in the cartilage of my left ear, but it never healed, so after a few years of not being able to sleep on that ear, I took it out. (There’s only so much pain a girl can take before she gives up on looking cool.)
As far as seeing piercings on others, I don’t really care. I think those teeny-tiny nose studs are cute, but other facial piercings don’t really appeal to me. Have you ever seen those piercings that are surgically implanted under the skin? People usually get them on the back of their neck or on (in?) their chest. Those hold a sort of morbid fascination for me. The first time I saw one I was sitting behind a girl in a sociology class in college. I couldn’t tell what the hell I was looking at (are those glued on? just stuck in there?), and I totally had to hold myself back from reaching out and poking the back of her neck (which, I assume, would be fairly awkward).
Personally, I have no idea what drives people to shove rings through their nipples or baby makers… but I guess I’m just missing something there.
I guess I believe that as long as nobody is coming at me with a needle, I figure people can do what they want. Then again, if I was a mom and my baby came to me with a ring shoved through some part of his or her body… I might have a problem with it. And I’d probably have to blame his or her Grandma Cindy.