She Thinks

I believe the best rule of thumb for this is…“Give advice only when asked!”

Which holds true for anyone, but ESPECIALLY your older kids.

And by older, I mean any kid that’s on their own in terms of living out of the house, or pretty much setting their own priorities for life.  I don’t mean waiting until the kids are totally financially independent.  Their need for parental advice (especially in their minds) has nothing to do with financial independence.  It has to do with them learning how to depend on themselves to make decisions.

And I’ve always tried to encourage my kids to be independent.  I want them to have all kinds of independence, (financial, emotional, mental) but of course, I also want them to know that I’m there for them…if they need me, or if they want my opinion.

I figure, they’ll ask me if they want to know what I think.

Which doesn’t mean that we don’t talk about what they’re doing, or how they plan to do it…it just means that I try to keep my mouth shut when it comes to telling them what to do, or how to do it.

For me, it’s about participating in a conversation with my kids, without owning it.

It’s about listening and asking questions, without trying to fix it. (OH so much harder than it sounds.)

It’s about waiting for those wonderful few words…”so what do you think mom?” before feeling compelled to tell them what I think…before they ask.

It’s a fine line for many of us parents.

We want to parent (as in the verb – to parent, which for many implies actively telling your kids what to do!).

AND…we want to help.  Because we think we always know what’s best for them.

But we don’t.

(OY.)

And, I’m sure I’ve failed miserably…many a time.

I can only imagine how often Ally and AJ have regretted bringing up a topic because I blurted out some unsolicited piece of advice or direction, and they’ve felt like running out of the house screaming “Mom…Stop talking…I DIDN’T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!”

But they’re really nice to me, so if they’ve ever felt that way, they’ve never actually done it.

(Whew!)

For the last couple of years I think I’ve gotten a lot better at waiting.  And I think it’s because I’ve learned that one of the most amazing feelings in the world is when one of my kids does ask for my advice.

IT FEELS INCREDIBLE!

It’s total validation.

It’s like they’re saying “I trust your opinion” mom, or “I’d really like to know what you think” mom.

And when it happens, it warms every ounce of my being.

So even though it doesn’t happen all that often (which I take to mean that they’re working through stuff on their own – and becoming more and more independent!)…

It’s really cool when they want to know what I think.

Without a doubt, the one word that best describes 2010 for me is “REMARKABLE.”

I began the year on an amazing adventure with Matthew to SE Asia where we were able to see and experience some of the most remarkable places, people and animals of my life.  I mean, how many times do you get the chance to be up close and personal with an elephant, sit with a tiger, get blessed by a Buddhist monk, drive through heavy traffic in a Tuk Tuk, walk through centuries old ruins, eat amazing (and sometimes odd) food, or meet wonderful people from around the world who you now consider to be friends?

Absolutely remarkable.

THEN…I got to work on putting together a bid packet with my incredible architect (and lovely friend) Jeff for the property in Ridgway, in order to facilitate the process of finding and choosing a contractor for the project.   Just going through the process of figuring out (to the best of our ability at the time) what we wanted the place to look like, and then trying to determine who would be the right fit to get it all done… was amazing.

And I couldn’t be happier with my choice.  By the end of June, we found our guys (thank you Eric and Joel for agreeing to do this job!) and the dream of building a house, where I get to choose everything  (OMG…you should see the sinks!) started to become a reality.

So as you can imagine…between watching the building take place, being able to start the process of buying everything from faucets to doors, and watching it all come together in one of the most beautiful places on earth…has been truly remarkable.

THEN…there was the whole Kidney A-Go-Go experience.  That alone would have made the year remarkable on its own.  But more than that, it was probably one of the most remarkable experiences of my life!

I mean really…who would have thought that 1) Brian would have needed a kidney and 2) that he would allow me to go through the match process resulting in 3) our being a MATCH, thus allowing 4) for us to partner in a kidney transplant, which was  5) a SUCCESS, because 6) both of us are doing great!

Seriously…if that’s not remarkable, I don’t know what is.

And finally, (I can’t believe there’s more) Matthew and I just got back from Peru where we got to see Machu Picchu (talk about a remarkable place!), salsa danced in Cusco (where we almost died from lack of oxygen), and cruised up the coast of South America and Mexico for 15 days (dancing, eating and drinking ourselves silly)!

On top of all of that, my kids are doing great, everyone’s healthy, the economy’s starting to come back (yeah yeah…probably not fast enough, but hey…we all know it’s getting better!) and I couldn’t be happier.

So, as I look back over this last year, I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say it has been remarkable.

But honestly, if I had several words to describe it, they’d actually be…

“I must be the luckiest goddamn woman in the world!”

I have to admit…I take the whole gift giving thing pretty seriously.

In my world, gift giving is much more of an art than a science, and I’ve learned to appreciate the finer art of gift giving for a significant other.

It starts with listening.  Listening to your loved one about what THEY like, what THEY appreciate, or what THEY would never get for themselves…but would love to get.

It’s supposed to be about THEM.  Not US.

But the truth is…it’s downright tough to think about them and figure out what they’d like!

And I know this from experience.   I wasn’t always good at this stuff.

I mean, no guy should have to get a sweater with leather patches on the shoulders and elbows each year for Xmas (sorry Brian).  But then again… no woman should ever have to get a hot-air popcorn popper for her birthday (again…sorry Brian).

But I’ve learned (and so has Brian).

And I think now I’ve gotten pretty good at gift giving, especially for my significant other (lucky Matthew).

Cause I think I’ve figured out the rules.

Finally!

I mean, you’d think someone would have told us all the rules by now!!!!

So…in an act of community service during this 2010 Holiday season, I offer you…

The Rules of Gift Giving for A Significant Other

by Cindy Carrillo

Part 1: Rules for Giving Gifts to a Woman (Significant Other)

Rule #1…NEVER give a woman who is your spouse or significant other an appliance Of ANY KIND for a special occasion or holiday.  I don’t care if the toaster/washing machine/vacuum cleaner just broke and she ASKED for a new one.  Get it next Tuesday…but NOT for a holiday or special occasion.

Rule #2…If it has some utilitarian function…don’t get it.  She can (and probably will) get it for herself.  However, giving gifts of “experiences” (things SHE likes to do!) are like gold to a woman (‘cause then she doesn’t have to make all of the plans herself!!!!).

Rule #3…DON’T listen when she says she has everything and doesn’t want anything.  But DO listen to what she talks about and shows interest in, and DO pay attention to what she pauses to look at in the store.  Exception:  collections are fun and all…but don’t take the easy way out and get her another cow or turtle or coffee mug (that’s what your other family and friends already get her!).

Rule #4…If it would make her feel pretty or special or pretty AND special…get it.  It’s worth every penny!

Rule #5…It doesn’t matter if she already has 17 pairs of earrings, 12 necklaces, 15 bracelets and 6 rings.  The new one you get her this time…will end up being her new favorite.

Part 2: Rules for Giving Gifts to a Man (Significant Other)

The rules for Men (I think) are somewhat different…but still…follow the same basic premises as above:

Rule #1…Never give a man an appliance as a gift…as if a woman would ever get a guy a washing machine for his birthday!  Exception:  Power Tools (unless of course he’s Jewish…in which case you want to give him a gift certificate for a handyman).

Rule #2…If it has utilitarian function…GET IT.  Again…that whole power tool (or electronic) thing.  Not sure why, but men seem to like stuff that actually does something useful.

Rule #3…I have yet to hear a guy be coy about what he wants, because men don’t play games like women do.  So if he tells you what he wants, get it.  He doesn’t need the surprise or for you to figure it out for yourself (like women do).

Rule #4…If he’s into lookin’ good…it’s worth every penny to help him feel that way with a great addition to his wardrobe.  But if he doesn’t care how he looks…don’t get him clothes…or you’ll risk being thought of as his mother (which we all know is the kiss of death to a relationship!).

Rule #5…Unless he collects cufflinks or ties or sports team paraphernalia (or whatever!) …don’t get him stuff he already has.  “Choice” just doesn’t mean the same to him.  Think “the latest electronic” or gadget or game.  He’d rather turn something on and play it, than wear it!

There you have it!

I hope you’ll follow these rules and have years of happy and fruitful gift giving between you and your significant other (and never receive a popcorn popper or leather patched sweater ever again!).