She Thinks

Screw zombies, it doesn’t matter what kind of apocalypse we’re in for, because I’m ready.  I have a fully stocked pantry with hundreds of canned goods, tons of extra water, enough toilet paper to last at least 6 months and a lifetime supply of chocolate, ‘cause really, who wants to stick around without toilet paper or chocolate?

No…I’m not a doomsday kinda gal, it’s just that I like to be prepared.

And I’m not the only one thinking about this stuff.  As I’m sure you’re aware, we’re only a couple of years away from the famed end of the Mayan calendar (December, 2012), which many believe marks the end of civilization as we know it.  I never thought about it much, but then I watched a multi-part special last year on the History Channel and it got me thinking about the possibilities of life ending on earth.

I mean…I really don’t believe it will all end on 12/21/2012, but after watching that show, I did find myself having an irresistible urge to run out to the store to buy a case of canned soup.

Honestly though, I don’t think the Mayans knew something we don’t know.  I think they just figured they had created a big enough template for us to follow…and we would be able to take it from here.  Or they just ran out of stone.

But nonetheless…it makes you wonder.

I mean…what will you be doing as we get closer to December, 2012?  Will you be worried?  Will you be stocking up on canned goods?  Water?  Toilet Paper? Chocolate?

Well I know I’ll be ready…and I’ll be doing it in style!

I recently bought some property down in Ridgway Colorado (just outside of Telluride, CO) which I must say, is one of the most beautiful places on earth.  The mountains, the valley, the people…are all amazing.

And…I just started building on it so that I can live there part of the year, and play host to my family and friends…’cause it’s a place ya just gotta share.

So I figure I’ll share it with a few dozen carefully chosen people for the end of the Mayan Calendar (and potentially…the end of civilization as we know it).

But we’re not gonna sit around waiting for the end.   WE’RE GONNA PARTY!!

Because it ALSO just happens to be my “triple 12 birthday” (12-12-12)…and I figure that calls for one big 12 day party!!!

And if it does all end, then we go happily, and probably…really really drunk.  With plenty of canned goods, water, toilet paper and chocolate in the pantry.

Unfortunately though, I’ll have to limit how many people can come to my party (because I just don’t have enough canned soup to feed everyone).

So I came up with a process for selecting who will be part of the chosen few…with some ground rules (’cause you always need ground rules):

1.    Applications for the now infamous 12-12-12 bash will be accepted beginning 6-12-12.

2.    A written test including just a few select multiple choice questions and an essay explaining why you should be part of the chosen few (no more than 500 words please) will be included as part of the application process.

3.    Bribes will be accepted (along with donations of canned soup).

God I hope civilization doesn’t end before then…it would really screw up my plans.

Until recently (I swear!) I had no idea there was such a plethora of undergarments available to women.

And now that I know, I am SOLD!

And quite frankly…I don’t know how I lived without them for so many years!  You can literally transform your body in any number of ways using hundreds of new body shaping garments.  I swear there’s one for every conceivable shaping need or want for your body.

You can lift, separate or push together your breasts using strapped, strapless, wired, no wire, padded, unpadded, plunging, high profiled, lacy or plain bras.

You can push up your tush, flatten it, round it out, or add to it.  You can flatten your tummy, cinch in your waist, and slim your thighs.  And…you can do only one of these things at a time, use different combinations at the same time, or pick one of those handy dandy multi-shaping garments that focus on specific “target” areas to provide you with an All Over shaped body.

Or so I thought.

Recently, we had a Bar Mitzvah to attend and several women in the family (well…really just me, one of my cousins, and, at times, a reluctant Ally) were consumed by discussions of which undergarments were available and would be PERFECT for each of our outfits.  We spent hours on the phone, texting or emailing different styles, brands and configurations of undergarments as we each shopped and explored what was available to meet our needs.

Clearly…we had way too much time on our hands.

I planned to wear a lovely black dress with a shocking pink liner (from my closet – woohoo!) that had a form fitting bodice (that’s body shaping terminology for “upper body”) which required (in order for it to fit me properly) something that would cinch in my waist and hold in my tummy.

BUT…I also needed something to push up these ever lowering breasts (NO…they are NOT drooping yet thank you very much!) so they would peak over the fabric to give a hint of cleavage (realizing that this look would be acceptable for both the synagogue and the after party).

THEN…I wanted to lift and smooth my tush so that the fabric of the dress would lay seamlessly in that area, while slimming my thighs and still allowing the dress to swirl effortlessly on the dance floor.

SO… I decided to look for one of those multi-area shaping garments that target different areas of your body to meet all of my body shaping needs in one fell swoop.

No problem…until I went shopping.

Apparently, the undergarment makers of the world like to focus on two, MAYBE three “target” areas on the body at one time…but usually not six.

No such luck.

But, being the resourceful person that I am, I came up with the amazing idea to COMBINE undergarments to cover all of my needs.  I mean, is that brilliant or what?

So I went looking for bra to lift me up, a corset-like thing to cinch in my waist, and a full (really full) panty to lift up and smooth out my tush, hold in my tummy and slim down my thighs.

I am pleased to report I found all three!

But when I put them all on together…I couldn’t move.  And I looked like I was wearing Body Armor.  And, bending was a complete impossibility.  And, breathing was more than difficult.  And…here comes the deal breaker…dancing would have been totally out of the question.

So I took them all off and started to negotiate with myself.  It was clear that I couldn’t wear all 3 pieces at the same time, so I decided I had to pick the most important parts to shape for the event.

OMG!  Which parts are more important for a dressy event?  The tummy?  The tight cinched-in waist? The peaking cleavage?  The raised and smooth tush?  Slim thighs?

I ask you…can being a woman be any more challenging??

I ended up finding two items that successfully achieved some significant body shaping in 4 out of the 6 areas (no, I’m not telling which ones).  And I was happy…enough.  But I wasn’t comfortable.  But that didn’t bother me because according to the rules my mother laid out for me when I was young and impressionable: dressing for an event is not supposed to be about comfort.  So I didn’t expect to be comfortable.

But that’s just wrong.  Why shouldn’t we be both beautiful AND comfortable!?!

Well…I’m happy to tell you that now we can be both.

After the Bar Mitzvah, Ally introduced me to an undergarment (by Yummie Tummie) that she found awhile ago that she loved!  Then they sent me one!  It hits at least 5 of my target areas (no I’m not telling you which one it doesn’t touch) and is pretty damn comfortable and pretty.

I practically live in it.

FINALLY!!!!

*Note: Let’s be clear.  Part of my enthusiasm in finding the perfect body shaper is that I really thought I could get that perfect looking body without doing a damn thing on my own to make it happen.  I mean seriously…why else would I go through all the trouble to bolster my body in all that armor?  Answer: so I could get the look without doing any of the work!  And…I don’t think I’m alone here…but we all know it doesn’t really work that way.  Damn it.

I SWORE out loud – to myself, that I would NOT put off writing this week’s post to the last minute.  I mean come on…you can see what the topic is.  I made a pact with myself when Ally and I agreed to write on Procrastination at the beginning of the week, that I would not (absolutely not) fall into the trap of putting this task off until the last minute.  As I usually do.  Every week.

It is now Sunday afternoon…and I have 4 hours before Ally will send me her reminder text that my post is due.  So I’m still HOURS ahead of the game!

I’m such a procrastinator.  I know I do it, and it bugs me to do it.  But I can’t help it.

I blame my father.

He was the “King” of procrastination and I think he must have genetically passed it on to me.

At first glance, you’d never know that he was a procrastinator because he would write extensive lists detailing out all the tasks he had to accomplish every week.  He would write out each task in bold large printed letters – all in neat and numbered rows on a yellow legal pad, and label his list “Things to Do” at the top of the page.

And then he would move onto whatever else he could possibly spend his time doing…OTHER than those things on the list.

It’s not that he was lazy.  On the contrary, he was extremely successful and busy all the time.  He just seemed to have an absolute aversion to doing things he knew he had to do…until the very last minute.

Which I think is the definition of someone who procrastinates.  It’s not that we don’t get stuff done, it’s just that we want to do it on our own damn timeline!!

In this regard, I am my dad.

I too make lists.  I too title them “Things to Do.”  And I too have a long history of putting things off until the last minute.

But unlike my dad, I like crossing things off my list…a lot.

So I’ve learned to use my desire (no…obsession) to cross things off my list as a way to balance my genetic tendency to procrastinate.

And I do it by playing a sick little game with myself.

Every week I write my list of Things to Do, and each day I go about my business of getting stuff done.  At the end of the week I go back to my list to see if I just happen to have completed anything I had written down.  If so…VOILA!…it gets crossed off the list and I am thrilled.

If not, (here’s the sick part)…I add the stuff I did do, just so I can cross it off!

Case in Point.

This week’s list.

Here’s how it went…

Things To Do:

1.     Write my blog post on Procrastination

2.     Clean out the basement closet

3.     Reorganize all of the Xmas decorations from the past 25 years

4.     Figure out all of the furnishings for the house I’m building (all 8 rooms)

5.     Clean the backyard and prep for fall/winter

6.     Take all 4 dogs to the vet for required shots

Things I actually did:

1.     Fed the dogs – twice a day…each day!

2.     Folded all of my laundry…from last week.

3.     Shredded paperwork from the box titled Important papers 2006

4.     Made my bed – each morning.

5.     Made chicken salad.

Now my list looks like this:

1.     Write my blog post on Procrastination

2.     Clean out the basement closet

3.     Reorganize all of the Xmas decorations from the past 25 years

4.     Figure out all of the furnishings for the house I’m building (all 8 rooms)

5.     Clean the backyard and prep for fall/winter

6.     Take all 4 dogs to the vet for required shots

7. Fed the dogs – twice a day…each day!

8. Folded all of my laundry…from last week.

9. Shredded paperwork from the box titled – Important papers 2006

10. Made my bed – each morning.

11. Made chicken salad.

It’s now almost 1:00 on Sunday afternoon and I’m done writing this post…3 whole hours ahead of schedule!   And now, I get to cross #1 off my list!

I’m thrilled.

And I’m thrilled to be my father’s daughter.