Why She Thinks?

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She Thinks started when Cindy decided that she and her daughter, Ally, should write together, and Ally couldn’t come up with any good reasons to say no. We wanted to see how our perspectives differed as a younger/older woman, mother/daughter, less/more experienced persons, brunette/blonde. Each week, we pick a topic sent to us from our readers that makes us think. We then go on our own and spill our respective guts/brains/hearts out on the page, and then post our thoughts here. To keep things interesting, we don't read each other's posts until we publish them. This means that sometimes our opinions and stories match, and sometimes they don't. That's what makes it fun!

We’re not trying to solve the world's problems, but who knows? Maybe we will.

Read more about Cindy and Ally.
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Topic: What makes a good boss?

Cindy Thinks

Ally Thinks

I’ve been a good boss for most of my career…but I was really lousy at it when I first started.

My first chance to step into a supervisory role was when I worked at the Jewish Community Center in Denver as their Children and Youth Director.  I was in my early twenties…and I knew nothing about being a boss.

During the school year I ran children’s programs for kids in elementary school.  Programs like vacation camps, before & after school programs and specialized classes like woodworking, and craft making on weekends.    I had a small staff to actually teach/supervise kids in these programs (although I learned how to teach kids to build a mean birdhouse) but most of my responsibilities focused on the administrative side of the department.  I wasn’t really anyone’s boss for these programs…I was more like a coordinator who ran around setting up rooms, printing out worksheets and making sure supplies were on hand.

During the summer months however, I was in charge of a 25 acre summer day camp, complete with a full swimming program, horseback riding, arts & crafts, music and tons of sports activities….and I had to supervise about 40 young college-aged staff who were counselors, wranglers, and program specialists for more than 200 campers.

It was during these summers that I discovered I knew nothing about being a boss.  I could fill out P.O’s (purchase orders), work with the maintenance staff to get the facility in order, make sure we had all of the supplies we needed, and even figure out how to “lease” over 2 dozen horses for the season…but I had no idea what it meant to supervise or lead my staff through the course of a summer camp program.

I was terrible.

I thought the word “boss” meant that I had to “boss” everyone around!  I yelled incessantly.   I yelled at my staff, and I’m embarrassed to say…I also yelled at the kids.

I went through the summer yelling and bossing, and basically bullying everyone around to get them to do what I thought should be done.

I had no idea what it meant to actually be a boss…let alone, a good one.

And then I went to graduate school.  I think it was there that I first began to learn new and effective ways to communicate.  But it wasn’t until I left the JCC and started my own company and started to hire my own employees…that I started to really understand what it meant to be a boss.

I still had no idea what it meant to be a good boss…but at least I figured out that it wasn’t about yelling and bullying people to get what I wanted.

It was about leadership.  About inspiring people to join me in whatever work needed to be done.

I realized after about a trillion mistakes, that being a boss wasn’t about proving that I was in charge.  It was about leading the charge.

And that took time to learn.

It’s not something that I learned in graduate school however, because they don’t teach leadership in school.  It was something I had to learn on my own and grow into overtime.

Moral of the story

Maybe we should teach leadership in school so that there will be a lot more good bosses out there.

2nd moral of the story

Maybe that’s something I should try to do at some point in the future…

I’ve never been a boss (officially, at least…), but I’ve had quite a few.

(One of them was my mother.  That’s a different topic, though…)

I’ve had great bosses, and not so great bosses.

Bosses that I would consider friends (and family) (though I don’t “consider” my mom family… I’m sorta stuck with her…), and bosses that I’ve damned to hell (NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU, MOM).

Bosses that have inspired and encouraged me, and bosses that have scared me and made me cry in the bathroom.

(This makes it sound like I’ve had a lot more jobs than I have.)

What sets the “good” bosses apart from the “not-so-good” ones?

First, it’s the way they lead.  What they do to motivate, inspire, and get shit done.  The good bosses that I’ve had have made me WANT to go to work and WANT to do a good job.  Because my boss made me happy to be a good employee, to go above and beyond, and to make them proud.  Good bosses encourage you, and you’re better because of it.

Next, it’s the way that they manage.  A good boss clearly tells you what they want from you (COMMUNICATION), what is expected, and then they let you do it.  They guide, they don’t push.  They allow you to do your job, because they have enough faith in your ability to do it.  If you get off track, they’re watching close enough to catch it and get you back on track, but they don’t look over your shoulder all  of the time, or berate you when you mess up. I think this is probably one of the hardest things for managers (in any capacity) to do, but the good bosses I’ve had have this skill down.

Last, it’s the atmosphere that they encourage and cultivate.  A good boss finds the balance between working and getting things done, and having a good time.  If you walk into a place and see people smiling or laughing while they’re working, it’s probably because the boss encourages that.  And I don’t know about you, but I love going to a business that’s full of people that actually look like they want to be there.  When there’s a boss that pushes for a positive and inspiring work environment, work is done faster and better.

At the end of the day, work is WORK, and a good boss can make all the difference between a job that’s meaningful, or one that makes you want to poke your own eye out with the corner of your pay stub…

(It’s worth noting that most jobs make you want to do BOTH of those things, but if you have a good boss, then it’s a lot easier to show up after those eye-poking days…)

I like purses.

I have a lot of them.

Different shapes.  Different colors.  And…different sizes.

They make me happy.

But I must admit I tend to gravitate toward larger bags.

For me…size does matter (you knew it had to show up somewhere in this one).

I’m not sure why.  It’s not like I put more in a large bag than any other bag (the proverbial “evening” bag being the exception since you’re lucky to fit a lipstick and license in those).

I put the same stuff in every purse that I assume other women put in theirs.  Wallet, checkbook, phone, lip stick(s), Advil bottle (filled with a variety of pain relieving substances), pen, and reading glasses.

Oh…and tissues, card holder (with my She Thinks business cards), tic tacs and loose change of course.

And sometimes my e-reader.  (You never know when you’ll have the chance to finish a chapter.)

And a sweater or scarf.  (You never know when you might get chilled.)

I think a big purse makes me feel secure.  Like I have options.

Ya know…the option to carry more stuff should I have the need to pick stuff up and carry it somewhere.

Maybe it’s a girl thing.

Or a mom thing (God knows, we moms seem to carry a lot of stuff).

But there are women out there who use really small bags and seem to have everything they need in them.

I admire that.  I couldn’t do it.  But I admire them for it (it makes me think they must be VERY organized and efficient).

The other day someone (a guy) saw me with one of my big purses slung over my shoulder and asked me if I always carried my “luggage” around with me.

I wasn’t offended.  Guys don’t understand big purses.  They’re intimidated by them.  Like they’re scare of ‘em (or they’re scared of what they might find in them).

How many times have you heard a guy say “what do you carry in that thing?”

As if we carried a bunch of deep dark scary stuff like poisons or snakes or bags and bags of feminine hygiene products that we’re ready to whip out in public at any time.

But the bag in question wasn’t that big.  It was a hobo bag and it was just a bit stretched out from months of swinging it from my shoulder to the floor, or over into the backseat of the car, or onto the end of the banister where it lives when I’m at home.

But the comment did give me reason to take a good hard look at what had become my “go to bag”…and I was forced to admit that it did look BIG.

Or rather…long.   Months of daily use and abuse had caused it to look more like a woven laundry sack (albeit with a nice leather strap and matching leather bottom) than a stylish shoulder bag.

Not what I was going for.

Apparently I had become too lazy to change my bag and I had entered into a purse rut.

Normally, I love to change my purses to go with my outfits.   It’s part of the game of mixing and matching different colors and textures to make a full outfit, with purses adding another piece to the puzzle.

But over the course of the winter I seem to have ignored all the other bags lining the top shelves of my closet…and my one “go to bag” was obviously now showing the worse for wear.

I’m so embarrassed.

I guess I have no choice but to seek out one of the many big purses I have at the top of my closet, so I have the option to fill it with lots more stuff.

I don’t know what (if anything) purse size means.  Maybe that you’re an important person with important things that you need to carry to important places?

I’m trying to come up with a reason as to why I carry bigger purses.  Is it because I need that much room?  Is it because I have so many things that I need to lug around?

Is it because I’m important?

Nah.

I love purses, and usually I adopt the motto of “the bigger the better”.

I have plenty of smaller purses that I think are adorable, I just don’t use them as much as the gigantic ones.

Why?  Because I have shit to carry that I need!

Actually, I only have a few things that I actually need to carry.

My wallet (which is pretty tiny) my book or e-reader (which goes everywhere with me), my phone, and my keys.

Other than that, there’s really nothing I need to take with me.

So why do I insist on carrying around an oversized purse?

Because they’re pretty.

There’s really no other reason than that.

It’s personal preference.

I guess I like that I have the room to shove snacks (I like to carry snacks everywhere in case I get hungry, because if I get hungry I get cranky.  I’m basically 3 years old), or a sweater (I’m also basically 78).

But as long as I can carry those few things that I need (like my book), then I’m fine.

I need to preface this whole post with the disclaimer that I am not a big reader.  Ally is a voracious reader…but I’m not.  I love to read when I travel…or at the beach…or on a rainy/snowy Sunday with a hot cup of French vanilla coffee by my side.  But I don’t read every day.

It takes a really good story to get me hooked on a book, and then once I’m hooked, I don’t put it down.

So when I do think about reading a book…I’m totally drawn to fiction, as I love a good story.

Not that true life can’t be turned into a good story, but I guess I prefer the made-up version of life when I curl up with a book.

Interestingly – even though I’m a sporadic reader – I’m particularly drawn to novels in a series.  I guess I like to know that when I start a book, I’ll be able to follow the characters through different times, places and experiences…taking multiple books to complete the saga.

(Or maybe I’m just lazy and like the idea of having my next few books all laid out for me)

And I’m not at all particular about the genre of the books/series I choose.  In fact…I’ve read and totally enjoyed…

  • “Young adult” fiction like The Hunger Games series and The Twilight books;
  • Books that deal with espionage, terrorism and political intrigue like The Bourne series, Vince Flynn’s series featuring the super good guy assassin Mitch Rapp and anything by David Baldacci;
  • Stories about prehistoric times like Jean Auel’s the Earth’s Children series (Ally and I just went to a book signing last week and heard the author talk about her latest book and each got a signed copy!);
  • Quirky stories about weird people in Sweden (yep…I got hooked on the whole Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series);
  • And most recently, a story about a woman who steps through a group of large rocks in the 1940’s only to get sent back in time to Scotland in the 1700’s where she falls in love with a hunk of a Scottish man who rescues her about 20 times from danger in the first two books alone (the Outlander series)!  LOVING IT!

I think I like historical novels a lot…but I can’t seem to get through a nonfiction book about a historical figure or event.   I’ve tried to read about several of our Presidents, various wars, and even the civil rights movement.  But honestly…I haven’t finished any of them.

I love to read stories about strong and interesting women, but when I’ve tried to read about real women (who I thought were role models) like Hillary Clinton or Jane Fonda, I found that I don’t really care all that much about their lives once I got into their books.  They’re still role models…but just not as authors.

I’ve tried to read about how to better my health, my mind and my body…but I lose interest quickly and end up sitting in front of the TV eating a big ham and cheese sandwich.

But oddly enough, I like to read cookbooks.   I know it sounds silly…but I can read through an entire cookbook, learning different techniques, food and spice combinations and serving ideas, and walk away feeling totally fulfilled…but not feeling like I just read a book.

Weird.

So I guess I do like some types of non-fiction.

And as I think about it…I think I read more than I think I read.

So I guess I’ll go finish up the 2nd book in the Outlander series right now.  I’ve already got the next two in the series waiting for me.

I’m a total fiction fan.  I love stories, whether they be love stories or fantasy stories or scary stories or stories written for pre-teens.  I love them.

(OK, especially the ones written for pre-teens.)

I have a hard time with non-fiction.  I get bored very easily.  I drift off.  I don’t find it very exciting or enthralling.

I just don’t connect.

And that’s what I really want from a book.  Connection.  And by connection, I don’t mean that I have to necessarily relate to it.  I just like feeling connected to a character or a plot and interested in what happens next.

And I don’t really get that from (most) non-fiction.

(There are always exceptions.  For example: humor.  (Enter Mary Roach, Jen Lancaster, David Sedaris, and – most recently –  Tina Fey.)  That’s because I’m connecting to the funny.  But even that’s not always enough if there’s no plot.)

I once read in (ironically) a non-fiction book that life is too short to read books that you don’t enjoy.  So I don’t read a lot of non-fiction because I just don’t enjoy it very much.

Honestly, I thought that everyone read mostly fiction, because I’ve always equated “reading” WITH “fiction”.  And then I started working in a bookstore.

Oh, the things you learn working in a bookstore!

I won’t go into it all now (because I’m compiling a list that will someday make a very long short story and probably a wildly popular film), but one of the biggest lessons has been that non-fiction is the popular choice for many, if not most, people.

(This is where I will ask that you refrain from going into a large bookstore and asking where the “non-fiction section” is.  Odds are that the WHOLE FREAKING BOOKSTORE is non-fiction, with a row of novels.)

(This is also the part where I ask you to refrain from saying some rude comment to your local bookseller when we point this fact out.  I understand that you’re scoffing and rolling your eyes at me because you realize that you asked an idiotic question, but still…)

(Moving on…)

I honestly didn’t realize that people read so! many! self-help books and religious books and new age books and history books and biographies.  For entertainment!  I hear the statement “I don’t really read fiction” far more than “I don’t really read non-fiction”.

(Probably because us fiction lovers are embarrassed that we prefer fantasy over books that, you know, might teach us something.)

My bread and butter is fiction.  My love of reading is for fiction.  When I walk into a bookstore, I make a mad dash for the fiction section.

Since starting at the bookstore, I’ve tried to expand my horizons.  But really?  If I find the time to sit and read, I’d rather read some epic love story than a self-improvement book about how to “be a better me”.

(Snore.)

I just loose interest reading about the same thing over and over, without a plot moving me forward.  When I read, I want characters and secrets and imagination.

I want escape.

I crave (fictional) connection.

It’s my comfort zone, and reading should be about being comfortable, no matter what genre makes you feel that way…

(PS: I truly believe that there’s no “better” preference.  I just think you should read, no matter what it is…)