She Thinks

I do actually.  Both look and sound like my Mother.

OY.

When I was younger I was always mistaken for my mom on the phone.  Once in awhile that was fun (as in tricking sales people to thinking I was her and getting her appreciation for fending them off).   But as a teenager, when someone would call and ASSUME I was my mother, I would always make it sound like it was a HUGE imposition, and respond in a dull teenage drawl with “NO…it’s not Del, it’s just Cindy…I’ll go get her” and stomp off to get my mom (‘cause we weren’t allowed to shout to tell her there was someone on the phone).

But mostly I hated it when people told me I looked like my mom.  Don’t get me wrong.  She was the cutest mom of all the mom’s I knew, and looking like her was not such a bad roll of the dice (no offense to my dad…but we all know I did better on that one!).    I was just trying to figure out who I was, and what my look was going to be…and sometimes it felt like I was just a carbon copy of her…only 4 inches taller and many pounds heavier (she was a teeny little thing, damn her).

As I’ve gotten older however, I’ve realized I look more and more like her every day, and it doesn’t much bother me anymore.

In fact, I kinda like it.

I have short blonde hair like she did (we never did find out her “true” color…but we’re never gonna find out mine either, so what the hell).  And, a round face like she did.  And small, thin lips…and virtually no eyelids (like her), but somehow…it seems to be working better for me these days.

But mostly…I have the same hands.  I look down at my hands now, and see my mom’s.  I used to love her hands.  They were small and warm and loving.  And now I think I have them too.

(Luckily I haven’t inherited the arthritis that bent her fingers and restricted her ability to use them effectively, but I always thought they were beautiful nonetheless.)

The thing that used to irk the hell out of me, though, is when she ended up in my head…and her words ended up coming out my mouth.

What the hell was that all about?

I’d be in the middle of a conversation with someone and out of the blue would come one of my mother’s “isms.”

There were hundreds of them.

I remember once (when Ally was about 3 years old) I was trying to explain something to her and she kept asking “Why?” every time I gave her an answer (like EVERY 3 year old on the planet)…and without hesitation, out came the mother of all of my mother’s “isms” …”Because, there’s no bones in ice cream!”

OMG!  Where did that come from?  My mother used to say that to me and my brother ALL the time when she didn’t want to give us any more of an explanation.

Me:            Mom, can I go to Nancy’s to sleep over this weekend?

Mom:            No honey…not this weekend.

Me:            Why not?  I don’t have anything else planned.

Mom:            It’s just not a good weekend honey.

Me:            But why?

Mom:            Because there’s no bones in ice cream…that’s why!

END…OF…DISCUSSION.

I was so outraged that I had used this tedious, outrageous tactic on my own little girl that I stopped my conversation with Ally…picked up the phone, called my mother and shouted “GET OUT OF MY HEAD WOMAN!”

Needless to say she was both a bit shocked at my call, and a bit pleased that her w-is-do-m had rubbed off on me!

When Ally got older she researched the whole no bones in ice cream thing and found out that there’s gelatin (which is made out of bones or something) in ice cream, and blew the whole thing out of the water…and COULDN’T WAIT to tell my mom.

My favorite “Del-ism”, however, is one that’s now being used by hundreds, if not thousands, of people who came into our sphere of influence over the years.  It’s the “Tell the Pilot to Drive Carefully” ism.

I know.  Pilots don’t drive planes.

It was just her way of telling someone to have a safe flight.  But, somehow when she said it, it was more than that.  It was a safety net she threw over you to make sure absolutely nothing bad would happen to you on your trip.   And it always made me feel safer.

So I started to say it to absolutely everyone I knew who was going on an airplane.

As a family, we say it to each other (individually mind you) when we get on the plane.   It sounds like a little chorus of well-wishing as we make eye contact and softly utter the words Tell the Pilot to Drive Carefully simultaneously to each other.  (Brian always hated it but humored me by saying “TTPTDC” every time we flew).

I even used it at work within my company and it became a “thing” with my staff.  At first, I think they (the collective “they” over 23 years with the company) thought I was crazy.  But I gotta tell you, there wasn’t anyone who left on a business trip who didn’t make it into my office to get their own Tell the Pilot to Drive Carefully before venturing out to the airport.

And now, after all these years, it absolutely warms my heart to hear someone outside of my family (because my family members are just expected to say it), tell ME to Tell the Pilot To Drive Carefully when I’m leaving on a trip.

Yeah…I look and sound like my Mother, and there are still some times when I do a double take in the mirror or have to stop myself in the middle of a sentence, and recognize that the words I’m speaking could easily have come out of my mothers mouth (and probably did sometime during her life), but instead of wanting to change my look, or shout and get her out of my head…I find that I get this warm glow filling my heart instead.

In Loving Memory of Del Kram…I hope I look half as good as she did, and that she never leaves my head.

Until recently (I swear!) I had no idea there was such a plethora of undergarments available to women.

And now that I know, I am SOLD!

And quite frankly…I don’t know how I lived without them for so many years!  You can literally transform your body in any number of ways using hundreds of new body shaping garments.  I swear there’s one for every conceivable shaping need or want for your body.

You can lift, separate or push together your breasts using strapped, strapless, wired, no wire, padded, unpadded, plunging, high profiled, lacy or plain bras.

You can push up your tush, flatten it, round it out, or add to it.  You can flatten your tummy, cinch in your waist, and slim your thighs.  And…you can do only one of these things at a time, use different combinations at the same time, or pick one of those handy dandy multi-shaping garments that focus on specific “target” areas to provide you with an All Over shaped body.

Or so I thought.

Recently, we had a Bar Mitzvah to attend and several women in the family (well…really just me, one of my cousins, and, at times, a reluctant Ally) were consumed by discussions of which undergarments were available and would be PERFECT for each of our outfits.  We spent hours on the phone, texting or emailing different styles, brands and configurations of undergarments as we each shopped and explored what was available to meet our needs.

Clearly…we had way too much time on our hands.

I planned to wear a lovely black dress with a shocking pink liner (from my closet – woohoo!) that had a form fitting bodice (that’s body shaping terminology for “upper body”) which required (in order for it to fit me properly) something that would cinch in my waist and hold in my tummy.

BUT…I also needed something to push up these ever lowering breasts (NO…they are NOT drooping yet thank you very much!) so they would peak over the fabric to give a hint of cleavage (realizing that this look would be acceptable for both the synagogue and the after party).

THEN…I wanted to lift and smooth my tush so that the fabric of the dress would lay seamlessly in that area, while slimming my thighs and still allowing the dress to swirl effortlessly on the dance floor.

SO… I decided to look for one of those multi-area shaping garments that target different areas of your body to meet all of my body shaping needs in one fell swoop.

No problem…until I went shopping.

Apparently, the undergarment makers of the world like to focus on two, MAYBE three “target” areas on the body at one time…but usually not six.

No such luck.

But, being the resourceful person that I am, I came up with the amazing idea to COMBINE undergarments to cover all of my needs.  I mean, is that brilliant or what?

So I went looking for bra to lift me up, a corset-like thing to cinch in my waist, and a full (really full) panty to lift up and smooth out my tush, hold in my tummy and slim down my thighs.

I am pleased to report I found all three!

But when I put them all on together…I couldn’t move.  And I looked like I was wearing Body Armor.  And, bending was a complete impossibility.  And, breathing was more than difficult.  And…here comes the deal breaker…dancing would have been totally out of the question.

So I took them all off and started to negotiate with myself.  It was clear that I couldn’t wear all 3 pieces at the same time, so I decided I had to pick the most important parts to shape for the event.

OMG!  Which parts are more important for a dressy event?  The tummy?  The tight cinched-in waist? The peaking cleavage?  The raised and smooth tush?  Slim thighs?

I ask you…can being a woman be any more challenging??

I ended up finding two items that successfully achieved some significant body shaping in 4 out of the 6 areas (no, I’m not telling which ones).  And I was happy…enough.  But I wasn’t comfortable.  But that didn’t bother me because according to the rules my mother laid out for me when I was young and impressionable: dressing for an event is not supposed to be about comfort.  So I didn’t expect to be comfortable.

But that’s just wrong.  Why shouldn’t we be both beautiful AND comfortable!?!

Well…I’m happy to tell you that now we can be both.

After the Bar Mitzvah, Ally introduced me to an undergarment (by Yummie Tummie) that she found awhile ago that she loved!  Then they sent me one!  It hits at least 5 of my target areas (no I’m not telling you which one it doesn’t touch) and is pretty damn comfortable and pretty.

I practically live in it.

FINALLY!!!!

*Note: Let’s be clear.  Part of my enthusiasm in finding the perfect body shaper is that I really thought I could get that perfect looking body without doing a damn thing on my own to make it happen.  I mean seriously…why else would I go through all the trouble to bolster my body in all that armor?  Answer: so I could get the look without doing any of the work!  And…I don’t think I’m alone here…but we all know it doesn’t really work that way.  Damn it.

I SWORE out loud – to myself, that I would NOT put off writing this week’s post to the last minute.  I mean come on…you can see what the topic is.  I made a pact with myself when Ally and I agreed to write on Procrastination at the beginning of the week, that I would not (absolutely not) fall into the trap of putting this task off until the last minute.  As I usually do.  Every week.

It is now Sunday afternoon…and I have 4 hours before Ally will send me her reminder text that my post is due.  So I’m still HOURS ahead of the game!

I’m such a procrastinator.  I know I do it, and it bugs me to do it.  But I can’t help it.

I blame my father.

He was the “King” of procrastination and I think he must have genetically passed it on to me.

At first glance, you’d never know that he was a procrastinator because he would write extensive lists detailing out all the tasks he had to accomplish every week.  He would write out each task in bold large printed letters – all in neat and numbered rows on a yellow legal pad, and label his list “Things to Do” at the top of the page.

And then he would move onto whatever else he could possibly spend his time doing…OTHER than those things on the list.

It’s not that he was lazy.  On the contrary, he was extremely successful and busy all the time.  He just seemed to have an absolute aversion to doing things he knew he had to do…until the very last minute.

Which I think is the definition of someone who procrastinates.  It’s not that we don’t get stuff done, it’s just that we want to do it on our own damn timeline!!

In this regard, I am my dad.

I too make lists.  I too title them “Things to Do.”  And I too have a long history of putting things off until the last minute.

But unlike my dad, I like crossing things off my list…a lot.

So I’ve learned to use my desire (no…obsession) to cross things off my list as a way to balance my genetic tendency to procrastinate.

And I do it by playing a sick little game with myself.

Every week I write my list of Things to Do, and each day I go about my business of getting stuff done.  At the end of the week I go back to my list to see if I just happen to have completed anything I had written down.  If so…VOILA!…it gets crossed off the list and I am thrilled.

If not, (here’s the sick part)…I add the stuff I did do, just so I can cross it off!

Case in Point.

This week’s list.

Here’s how it went…

Things To Do:

1.     Write my blog post on Procrastination

2.     Clean out the basement closet

3.     Reorganize all of the Xmas decorations from the past 25 years

4.     Figure out all of the furnishings for the house I’m building (all 8 rooms)

5.     Clean the backyard and prep for fall/winter

6.     Take all 4 dogs to the vet for required shots

Things I actually did:

1.     Fed the dogs – twice a day…each day!

2.     Folded all of my laundry…from last week.

3.     Shredded paperwork from the box titled Important papers 2006

4.     Made my bed – each morning.

5.     Made chicken salad.

Now my list looks like this:

1.     Write my blog post on Procrastination

2.     Clean out the basement closet

3.     Reorganize all of the Xmas decorations from the past 25 years

4.     Figure out all of the furnishings for the house I’m building (all 8 rooms)

5.     Clean the backyard and prep for fall/winter

6.     Take all 4 dogs to the vet for required shots

7. Fed the dogs – twice a day…each day!

8. Folded all of my laundry…from last week.

9. Shredded paperwork from the box titled – Important papers 2006

10. Made my bed – each morning.

11. Made chicken salad.

It’s now almost 1:00 on Sunday afternoon and I’m done writing this post…3 whole hours ahead of schedule!   And now, I get to cross #1 off my list!

I’m thrilled.

And I’m thrilled to be my father’s daughter.